In Search of the New Normal

Many of you have read my blog on the breastfeeding issues I had been facing a couple of months ago when I first found out I was pregnant.  That’s good.  It’s the prequel (if you will) to THIS entry.

I’ll tell you, being forced into partial weaning was not a fun adventure.  BUT we made it.  After I ran out of my own frozen milk and nothing I did or took increased my supply, James and I had a heart-to-heart.  I was extremely against the thought of ever giving any of my children formula, but he just wasn’t comfortable in giving Lydia someone else’s breast milk, though I had been offered by several women (many of whom I don’t even know!).  I like a peaceful household – James and I rarely argue, and when we do, it’s over quickly and we move on – so I deferred to his decision and we bought some organic formula.

At first, even with the stored breast milk, I HATED giving her a bottle.  But we got over that.  I found a way to hold her and hold the bottle that didn’t tie up my hand, and I am able to love on her since it is free. 

It was amazing how easily Lydia adjusted!  I had a much harder time than she did, and I was thoroughly impressed with her adaptability.  It took only a few days, and it was like she went through this incredible transformation.  She was on a consistent routine, taking two complete hour-long naps every day, eating two-three meals a day, and SO happy and content!  I could hardly believe it!

The Lord dealt with my pride in a big way using this unforeseen change in our situation, too.  I was so proud that Lydia had been exclusively breastfed, and I was convinced that she would never have to have any formula.  I admit that I looked down on mothers that gave their children formula.  I still DO definitely feel that the system sets women up for failure when they first have babies and don’t have a clue about nursing, and that’s why so many resort to the bottle.  (After all, breastfeeding doesn’t bring in revenue like formula does!!)  I am angry that on our first well-baby checkup, our pediatrician hands us a bag from Similac filled with formula and emblazoned with the logo “Breast is Best”.  I feel (ESPECIALLY now) that formula has its’ place, but that so many have come to rely on it b/c breastfeeding (at first) is inconvenient and can be uncomfortable.

Anyhow, I have been forced into the other person’s shoes, and though I don’t like it, God has used this to provide me with a different perspective.  I no longer look down on those that give their children formula – what if the choice truly wasn’t theirs?  (Some mothers cannot breastfeed due to breast reduction or augmentation, cancer treatment, milk supply never coming in, and many other reasons.)

Up until a few days ago, I was making enough milk for Lydia to nurse in the mornings and for me to pump an ounce or two at night (she won’t nurse when she’s hungry – she gets too frustrated) to mix with her AM formula.  However, yesterday and today, she turned away from me in the morning when I offered her the breast, and won’t nurse anymore.  I’m a little sad, but to be completely truthful, a little relieved as well.  Nursing and pumping have both become extremely painful for me, due to the pregnancy hormones.  It has been a real sacrifice to continue. 

It looks as though nursing may be done (for now) for Lydia.  It’s strange, but I still consider myself to be a breastfeeding mother!  I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to part with that label, even when my kids are grown.  I will try to tandem nurse when the new baby arrives and I have a plentiful supply and it is no longer painful.  I hear having a toddler around to nurse can provide a LOT of relief if you have oversupply!  For now, I am proud of the fact that Lydia never had formula until she was 8 ½ months old, and had breast milk until she was 10 months old.  That is very close to my original goal of at least a year of breastfeeding, and I know I gave her an incredible advantage that a lot of babies don’t get these days. 

My Breastfeeding Dilemma

Disclaimer: If you are currently trying to conceive and are having trouble, or have recently experienced a pregnancy loss, this may not be the blog entry for you.  I do not want to cause a rift between us because it seems that my troubles are troubles that you would LOVE to have right now, if circumstances were different.  Joni Eareckson Tada (a quadriplegic Christian artist) was once asked if she ever got tired of other people complaining about a bad day when she herself was paralyzed from the neck down, and would have given anything to be that person for just one day. She said no, to each person their own pain is very real, so just because it’s not the same as her pain, does not mean it should be less painful to them.  With that, I write.  (I'm not sure why that last section is gray -- I can't seem to be able to change it!)

Have you ever felt like your purpose has just been snatched from you?  I feel like that now.  This is not to say that I’m not pleased that my life is how it is – I am very blessed with a loving husband, a beautiful, healthy daughter, and we are expecting another baby in the fall. 

I have been nursing Lydia every few hours or so since the day she was born over eight months ago.  I love nursing.  I love everything about it – the perfect nourishment it provides her, the protection it gives her against sickness and disease, how it’s a source of comfort to her, and most of all, the bond it has forged between us.  It was our saving grace after her emergency C-section birth – causing us to depend on one another. 

With a successive pregnancy, if you are still breastfeeding, there is the strong possibility that your milk supply may drop off.  I had heard that this was most likely during the second trimester, but, unfortunately, this happened to me just under a week ago.  In a dramatic way.  (I am almost 5 weeks along.) 

We had been nursing like usual on Thursday all day, and then when it came time to put Lydia to bed, I noticed that when I put her to the breast, she was fussy and would turn away.  I’d try to help her latch on again, and she nurse for a second, then turn away angry and confused again.  I didn’t know what to do!  This thing that has always come so easily to us (after the first few weeks, that is) now isn’t functioning properly! 

Luckily, I had stored some breast milk in my freezer from when I had gone on my Encounter in November and had had to pump to keep my supply coming.  James and I have resorted to feeding her bottles full of that for almost a week now.  Please don’t misunderstand me, I am SO completely thankful that I have a small store of my own milk that I can give her for the time being, but when you’re used to the ease of breastfeeding, the bottle presents an unfamiliar disconnect. 

I cry every time we try to nurse and she tears away from me because there’s no milk, causing me extreme pain.  I cry often when I have to give her a bottle – a piece of plastic – when we are accustomed to sharing skin and time to look into each other’s faces.  I cry that instead of being able to touch her face and head and back and hands with my hand that is usually free, I have to cradle her with one arm and use the other to hold the bottle. 

I have tried so many different things to bring my milk supply back.  Eating steel-cut oatmeal; upping my intake of liquids and fats; eating leafy greens and whole grains; taking alfalfa; taking flax oil; pumping and breast compressions to encourage my supply; letting Lydia try to nurse frequently (which usually just ends in both of us crying); I just don’t know what else to do!  I can’t take Fenugreek because it’s no good for the baby growing inside me, though that is the best homeopathic way to increase milk production.  I can’t take domperidone (a milk-increasing drug) because of my pregnancy.  I am at a loss.

I was very proud of the fact that Lydia had been exclusively breast fed until we started giving her solids at seven months of age.  I was cocky in saying that she would never have to consume formula.  Now I may have to eat my words, and it makes me feel about as tall as this font.  There are some generous breast milk donors out there, and I may be fortunate enough to receive some of their shared goods, but maybe not.  Who knows?

I am upset that this doesn’t seem to be as big a deal to most everyone that I tell.  It hurts that I am hurting and only a couple of people have reached out.  I need compassion!  I need a solution!!  I don’t want to hear that she’s going to be fine!  I KNOW she is, but what about ME?!  (To those that have been supportive – which are more than I can think of at the current moment – I thank you for your generosity of spirit and your loving kind compassion.)

I feel like I’ve fallen into a depression.  I hardly leave the house – what if she gets hungry and I can’t just find a corner in a quiet parking lot to nurse her in?  I feel so out of place and so very, very sad. 

I feel like I did when I ended up with a C-section that was the complete opposite of what I had desired and planned.  I feel angry, sad, confused.  I feel like I had all these ideas of how nursing (and birth) was going to go, and now I have been robbed of that, and I don’t know what to do.  I feel lost. 

I hate that I may be coming across as unthankful for my new baby.  I praise the Lord many times each day for him or her!  I know that James and I are so blessed to have gotten pregnant without really trying.  I DO NOT take that fact for granted, I promise you! 

I suppose I need to change my attitude about the whole thing.  A lady from my church said, after I told her what was happening, “Well, I guess God just has a different plan for Miss Lydia!”  And I know she’s right.  Deep down, I know He’ll get us through this.  But that doesn’t make it any less difficult for the time being, and it doesn’t make the pain any less real to me.  And most of the day, I am okay.  It’s just at some points that I wish I still made enough milk to nurse her.

She fell over today and bonked her noggin, and I offered her my breast when she cried, but it just made her more upset because there was nothing in it.  She woke up at 1:50 am (an unusual time for her) and I couldn’t just undo the snap on my nursing tank top and nurse her like I wanted – I had to take in a bottle with me.  It’s times like these that it is the hardest. 

If you are a praying person, please remember me and Lydia when you talk to God.  She is just as upset when we try to nurse as I am.  She doesn’t understand it when Mommy tries to give her the bottle, as she is so used to having the real deal from me.  Please ask the Lord for guidance, comfort, and peace about the situation.  Please ask Him to help me figure out what to do for milk – be it donor’s milk, formula, goat’s milk, etc., or if it’s His will, that he bring back my supply.  I truly appreciate your love, thoughts, and most of all, your prayers. 

Cesarean Section and Nursing (for me)

Did you know that women who have a C-Section have a more difficult time bonding with their babies?  I can honestly and without shame say that I experienced this.  I felt a strange disconnect from Lydia for quite some time.  I knew I had gone to the hospital and I knew she was my daughter and that I loved her, but I wasn't just crazy about her the way that my friends were with their babies. 

This is because when you deliver vaginally, immediately after the baby comes out your body begins producing Oxytocin, also referred to commonly as the "love hormone", or the "bonding hormone", which causes several things to happen.  Your uterus begins to contract so as to stop bleeding, for one, and for another, is gives you a rush of affection for the tiny creature that should be lying by now on your stomach or chest.  When a Cesarian is performed, your body doesn't generate its own Oxytocin, but rather it must be administered intravenously in its synthetic form, Pitocin.  I'm sorry, doctors and pharmaceutical companies, but what you make just can't compare to what my body can make! 

Having a C-section also causes challenges with breastfeeding to present themselves.  First and foremost, you are recovering for a major surgery.  Second, having a newborn is just plain overwhelming, no matter how many nurses or family members you've got to lend a hand.  Third, the mechanics of nursing with an incision on your abdomen are rather complicated.  They tell you and try to show you all these positions to nurse and different tips and tricks, but nursing in itself is painful starting out and then your baby wiggles and your incision is throbbing. 

There were only two things that got me through the first 6 or so weeks of nursing: prayer and sheer determination.  I would cry and cry both when I was nursing Lydia and after, and when it came time to do it again, I'd cry b/c I didn't want to go through the pain of feeding her, and then of course I felt guilty b/c I didn't want to feed my child, which made me cry even more!!  What a vicious cycle.

So the nursing hurt.  A lot.  I decided to give by brand new (and totally awesome, might I add) Medela breast pump a whirl and see if it hurt more, less, or the same.  It wasn't as bad as nursing, so I thought I'd pump and just bottle feed her.  That worked really well, except I had to lug around bottles and a thermal bag with ice packs in it all the time.  Plus, there's the inconvenience of having to pump all the time and then when you don't, you get engorged and that sucks, too. 

Let me get off track a little for a second here.  I have a friend, Jen (whom I have nicknamed "The Jenefactor"-- like benefactor) who has been so amazing.  She was very helpful and informative through my pregnancy and also gave me a ton of her daughter Shelby's clothes (Shelby is 8 months older than Lydia).  One of the ladies that works in Jen's office (Jen is a chiropractor) had a family emergency and was going to be out of the office for a while.  I told Jen I'd gladly fill in, and so I did.  Jen is a wellspring of information, constantly giving me advice, references, tips on products, and lots of other useful tidbits.  Anyhow, while I was working in her office, I borrowed a book of hers by La Leche League called The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding. 

This book is AMAZING.  It has everything a woman needs to know about breastfeeding, from pregnancy to weaning.  Anyhow, I read in this book that with breastfeeding, that it's not just important that your baby gets the breastmilk, but also the mechanics of how the baby gets the breastmilk.  When nursing from the breast, a baby's jaw is massaged differently than when fed from a bottle.  The palate is spread differently, and babies that are nursed for at least a year are far less likely to need braces later in life.  Also, the coolest thing I learned is that when a baby nurses, any germs that they may have picked up along the way get "communicated" to the nipple, and the mother's nipple then generates antibodies for those germs that get picked up the next time the baby nurses!  How cool is that??

Anyhow, to get back on track, it is because of this information that I decided to strictly nurse Lydia, not just give her breastmilk from the bottle.  This has caused us to become so much closer...  I have gone from not liking nursing AT ALL to thinking it was okay (when I was pumping and bottle feeding), to now, where I love it and can't imagine my life without it.  It makes my daughter happy and helps me to feel bonded with her.  I feel more now like she is MY baby, not just A baby. 

I don't know if my C-section caused me to have such difficulties nursing or not, but I can't imagine that it made it anny easier.  I can't change the past, but I can move forward with more knowledge, wisdom, and comfort knowing how I want to want to approach the delivery of future babies.

Me and Lydia right after nursing.  She was 2 weeks old here.  :)