Should we try to change our husbands?

God has blessed me with an atypically amazing husband.  Or has He?  I say this because, no matter how “in love” we were when we got married, no matter how “perfect” he was at that moment when he asked me to marry him, he is still human, and fallen in his nature (just as I am). 

The man I married has his flaws, his hang-ups, his quirks, and the little imperfections that make him James.  This is not to say that I don’t love him dearly.  I just mean to say that as our relationship has moved from the “in-love” stage to the “everyday life” stage, I have had to adjust my view of him as the perfect guy, to, the perfect guy FOR ME. 

I have no doubts in my mind that God brought us together.  James and I are opposites in so many ways, and the Lord has used those areas to help us realize the places in which each of us needs to grow.  For instance, one of his strengths is stability, where I am easily swayed and love change.  I am naturally outgoing, where he likes to keep to himself and those he loves dearly.  He is very intellectual, I am very creative.  I tend to speak before I think, he is very calculated and articulate in expressing his mind. 

It is easy to love our husbands SO much when things are rosy and life is grand, and particularly when the relationship is new.  We love everything about them -- the way they talk and the things they say; the way they look and the way their scent has an intoxicating effect; how their bachelor pads are endearing, as is the way they do laundry and cook; their habits and activities are things we adore.  So, my question is, as time goes by and we get used to one another, WHY DO WE SEEK TO CHANGE THEM?

I think it must be in women’s nature.  Something in us sees areas in which they could grow or be different, and then those thoughts turn to thoughts that they SHOULD be different in these things.  Can’t they see that?  Don’t they WANT to be better?  Don’t they WANT to be more of a spiritual leader?  Why can’t they see that THIS is my love language and quit trying to express love to me in THAT way?  Why does he always want to talk about THAT?  Why can’t he talk about ME?  Can’t he see that I hate it when he acts this way?  And the endless critical eye and ear take up a place in our day-to-day lives, and the awful, evil cycle of dissatisfaction has begun. 

Men are typically more realistic than we are, not having been wooed by tales of knights-in-shining-armor, cruelly-treated princesses, perfect weddings, and the like.  The movies women love are called “chick flicks” for a reason – they cater to the female need of needing to be rescued, causing us to live in a dream world where we think that “movie love” is how it REALLY happens.  We’re taught to think, if I just meet the perfect guy, we’ll fall in love, get married, and live happily ever after.  Unfortunately, we live in a fallen world, with fallen men, and we are fallen women, and ALL of us are imperfect in our sin. 

So life happens.  One disappointment after the next builds up, gathering like stones around our hearts until a complete barricade is formed.  We tell ourselves that it’s for his own good that we’re giving him the silent treatment, that we’ll quietly punish him for the wrong he’s committed. 

I was thinking about it, and when I ask James to change or tell him that he should be better in this area or that area, I’m telling him that he’s inadequate.  He’s not enough.  I want someone different.  Someone better. 

When I do that, I’m also telling GOD that the person that he gave me to be my lifelong mate isn’t good enough!  How could we ever dare to think that our Creator made a mistake?!  (Be aware that I am not judging here.  I believe that the Lord takes the things the enemy uses as tools, and like Romans 8:28 says, works them to the good of those who love Him – EVEN divorce.  My husband was married once before me, and he learned much from the duration and end of that relationship that has benefitted OUR marriage greatly.)

So I want to suggest a different tactic.  Why don’t we leave the change up to The Maker?  Why don’t we, when we see something that is not satisfactory, pray about it?  Why don’t we ask God, if it’s in His will, to change what we aren’t so crazy about in our husbands?  And when we ask that, why don’t we also say something like “and if it’s not your will, Lord, change ME.  Make ME content.  Make it not a big deal in MY heart.”  And He will answer our prayers, one way or the other, making the situation, trait, habit, or whatever, more tolerable, change, or disappear completely.  (Now when it comes to silly quirks of my own, the little things, I do still ask him.  Like the toilet paper being loaded onto the dispenser a certain way, the toothpaste being squeezed from the bottom, or wrapping his gum in something before he tosses it in the bathroom trash.  He could care less about that kind of stuff -- he is very accomodating in that respect.) 

I can suggest this because I know it works.  I long ago (within the first three months I was married) decided to give up trying to change James myself.  Whenever I’d suggest that something be done differently, I’d get an opposite result.  I’d get a closed-off, cold, detached husband.  I like my husband to be reachable, warm, and loving.  So, what I started doing, in things that I really cared about, is PRAY.  Fervently.  Urgently.  Frequently.  I’d go to God with my issues with James, ask Him what to do, to change James or change me, and tell Him how thankful I am for my husband.  Often, the answer would be a change in my OWN attitude. 

James has become much softer, sweeter, more interested in me and what I have to say, and MUCH less self-conscious around me.  Our marriage has become stronger.  We are closer to God and to one another.  I thank the Lord every day for my man.  My husband who provides a good, stable life for his family, who values time with his wife and also with his daughter, who causes me to be better, not only as a wife, but as a human being. 

I think that CHOOSING to be thankful and CHOOSING to see his good traits has made it much easier to be married and co-habitate.  In giving the Lord a thankful attitude regarding my husband, God makes James’ good traits more visible and more important, while removing the emphasis from the things that I might be driven crazy by.  He has made it easier for me to love my man for who he truly is – not how I want him to be. 

My pastor’s wife said once that she used to think that she was helping her husband by reminding him when he would forget things, for instance to call a certain person.  When she would remind him and remind him and remind him, she noticed that he became withdrawn and somewhat depressed.  So she changed her approach.  She began saying, “So-and-so is so blessed when you call them”, and he began to be uplifted, and things began to get done!! 

There is also a book that reiterates this point, and though it is a difficult book to read, especially in our society where women are so empowered, it has made all the difference in my marriage.  It is called Created to be His Help Meet, and it is written by Debi Pearl.  I recommend that any wife read it and implement what the author has to say.  You will notice a HUGE difference in your husband, and I bet it will come sooner than you expect.  It certainly can't hurt to try.  It talks about how women were created with a purpose, and that purpose is to be our husbands’ helper. 

I’ll close with one of my favorite quotes.  It applies to EVERY aspect of our daily lives.  It’s about attitude.  Think of your spouse when you read it:

“The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than success, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company … a church … a home.

“The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for the day. We cannot change our past … we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude.

“I am convinced that life is ten percent what happens to me and ninety percent how I react to it. And so it is with you. We are in charge of our attitudes.” – Chuck Swindoll

Blessings to you and your marriage. 

Why I Love My Marriage

In a day when divorce rates are up beyond 50%, even in the Christian community, I just want to have a marriage that stands out and stands strong.  The Lord has given me such a thing! 

A lot of people thought James and I were crazy, getting married after knowing one another only 6 months, and it is true that we could have made a huge mistake.  Fortunately, God knew what He was up to in putting us together, and we had enough sense to trust what He was telling us. 

I want to tell you a little bit about my husband and my marriage.  I’d like to share with you some of the reasons why James and I work.

 

James and me right after our wedding ceremony.

 

We are very different, but we see eye to eye.  He makes me think outside the box in the way he presents ideas to me.  He is highly intelligent, much smarter than me, and that's saying something, (NO I'm not that cocky, I'm kidding!) but he never makes me feel like I am any less intelligent than him.  When we talk, I realize how different we are, and I think that makes it all the more interesting.  It gives us lots to talk about, which is something we do all the time. 

We don't own a television.  A lot of people think we're nuts (especially the cable company telemarketers!), but we like that we are different from the herd.  We don't have the distractions and constant noise of a TV.  We had both noticed that even though a lot of the programs are good and wholesome, the commercials are racy and filled with images that are hard to get out of your head (i.e. violence, scantily clad women and men, etc.).  I had actually hardly ever lived in a house where there was cable, either growing up or after I'd moved out on my own.  I prefer to read, personally.  I love that we have a quiet home.  It feels more like a refuge from the hustle and bustle of the outside world, and you can actually breathe and relax and her yourself think here. 

We had also agreed not to have internet for the first year of our marriage, and until we bought this computer a couple weeks ago, we still didn't have it.  We decided to get the net b/c James is the web "guy" for his band, and he needed to be manage their multiple websites (Facebook, Twitter, BandZoogle, MySpace, ReverbNation, etc.) from home b/c he couldn't do it at work.  Also, staying at home with a newborn for me got to be a little monotonous (I have to admit it, I am not perfect), and I wanted to keep in touch with a lot of people from all over.  It's cheaper and easier to have Facebook than to have all your phone numbers and to have to print off and send you photos of Lydia. 

I think this was for my b-day?  But it might have been Valentine's...

We have common goals.  We are really into Dave Ramsey and his plan for becoming debt free.  If you want a quick, easy, inspiring read, pick up The Total Money Makeover.  We have decided to never use credit again, unless it is to purchase another home, and though we have put our debt snowball on hold for a bit (we need new windows, have a gutted bathroom to finish, and a couple other things that unfortunately cost money), we are not creating any new debt and therefore will someday be completely debt free!

After watching 3 documentaries (Food Matters, Food Inc., and Forks Over Knives) and receiving a LOUD wake-up call, we decided to really get close to where our food is coming from, and even begin to grow some and learn to can on our own.  For our insurance, we have to put in our "numbers" or else our rates go up about $50 per person per month, so my husband's company has a "Know Your Numbers" event where your blood gets tested and they look at your height and weight, and so on.  My numbers were all good, except my BMI (Body Mass Index), but they failed to take into account that I just gave birth four months ago.  James' numbers, however, were all in the red, aside from his glucose.  His triglycerides and cholesterol were especially bad. 

What can I say?  Like most Americans, we love to eat junk.  We crave it!  Anyway, the point I was getting to is that, together, we are changing the way we look at food.  We have pretty much eliminated processed sugars, fast food, and meat for now, (it will be more of a treat when we do eat it, and we will be sure to obtain it from ethical, wholesome sources) and have dramatically upped our intake of fresh fruits and veggies and also vitamins.  We are starting our days with a liter or so of water and are really just looking at what we eat as either death or life.  We can go have a fast-food cheeseburger and love every bite, but we're going to pay for it down the road.  (A staggering fact: did you know that ground beef can have the meat from as many as 1,000 cows in it?  That just kind of freaks me out.)  We only have one body, and that body is the temple of Christ Himself, so we are going to take care of it dutifully.  Plus, we owe it to our daughter to live healthily, be active, and educate her on the importance of nutrition, especially with the rising rated of juvenile obesity and diabetes.

Another common goal is that we want a big family.  We are having so much fun with Lydia, watching her grow, change, and become a little person.  We are excited to meet her siblings, whenever they may come.  We feel that it is what the Lord wants for us.

We love the Lord and know He loves us.  We know that it is by His GRACE that we are saved.  We cannot do anything on our own to make us worthy of eternal life, but God still wants us anyway.  He gave us His Son, Jesus, the Christ, to take our place on the cross, to die the death that each one of us deserves, just so we wouldn't have to.  It is still an enigma to me, but God is teaching me a lot about how He loves us through my daughter.  Our beliefs are what brought us together in the first place, actually, and still are the glue that holds us together.

 

This was taken on our 1st anniversary, May 15, 2011, 10 days before Lydia's birth.

We talk.  All the time.  As mentioned before, we don't have the distraction of TV, and didn't have internet for a long time, either, so what else was there to do?  We are both big talkers, but are also both good listeners, too.  We value what the other has to say. 

We are good at realizing when we are wrong and are never too ashamed to apologize.  We love each other, and though we sometimes have to remind ourselves that we are on the SAME team, not opposing ones, we remember that we are walking this road together, side by side.  Yes, we argue, but I wouldn't say we fight.  We don't raise our voices, we don't call names, and we put old disagreements to rest.  We get it out, figure it out, and move on.  This is kind of an art form, in my opinion.  I have had to really push with James in this area, as he is one to bottle up and then when there gets to be too much pressure, things end up being explosive.  But God is good and prayer works.  Myself, my marriage and my husband are proof of that!

We have separate activities, but we are together most of the time.  He is very involved in his awesome band, and I have friends that I like to hang out with when he is at practice.  That is twice a week.  He works, he comes home, and we hang out, go to the park, watch a movie on the computer, or do whatever.  We spend most all of our free time together.

We put each other before our daughter.  That is not saying we don't meet her needs and shower her with love and affection, but it is saying that we are husband and wife before mother and father.  The greatest gift we can give to Lydia is a loving, stable marriage.  She will naturally just be secure because of our obvious love and respect for one another.  We do our best to live out the biblical model of marriage and family structure.  He is the provider, I am the caretaker.

We are KIND to one another.  One of the "Pearls of Wisdom" we got at our wedding was to me from my elderly friend, Allie Rose, who had been married twice and widowed twice to two pastors.  It said "Men need lots of praise.  Admire him often."  I took that to heart from someone who knows!  Whenever I see him doing something I appreciate (be it putting out clean towels, loving on the baby, or taking the initiative to get healthy), I tell him "I'm so proud of you," because I am.  He is a husband to be proud of.  He is complementary of me, too.  He knows my need for verbal affirmation, and he meets that need.  He is very sweet! 

It is for these and so many more reasons that I love my marriage.  I hope my words have been an encouragement to you, friends.  I hope that you, too, have the marriage of your dreams, or that it is on its way to you.  Much love and blessings!